If Only

I have often mentioned Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow in my other blog but I bring it up here because of something that God laid on my heart last week during the “If only” chapter. I have often caught the “if only” disease over things that God had done or allowed in the past that I grumble about in my heart or outwardly. Many times the “if only”s have been something about my parents: “If only I could talk to my dad about this...” “If only my mom could go to the zoo, museum of play, park, etc with us...” It is not easy losing your parents when you are a young parent but I know that God has it in His plan. Since I have lost them I have been able to more easily identified with others in their pain, especially the pain of losing a parent, and can be a help to them.

One of my dad's biggest concerns almost every time I talked to him on the phone when Glenn was applying to medical school was “How are you going to pay for medical school?” I always told him that God was going to provide – be it through loans or some other way, He always has provided for us in the past and I trust Him to do it in the future. It was a big hurdle for him and I think that he probably lost more sleep over it than I did. I was thinking about that last week when we were going through the “If Only” chapter. I wouldn't wish either of my parents back for anything as sick as they were but I do miss them terribly. One neat thing that God showed me is that God partially answered my dad's worries over how God was going to provide for us by taking him Home. I know that I would rather have my dad than money but when he died dad left us half of the money that was left from their retirement fund. That is what we are living on right now. The monthly disbursements most likely won't last all four years and most people would probably scratch their head and wonder how we make the amount we get cover all of our expenses but I'd just say it is God's math and He works it out.

I have really struggled with the fact that my dad didn't leave anything to the Lord's work in his will and my desire to give more of the money that he gave to us but beyond the little over 10% that we give there isn't really much wiggle room. Glenn and I have talked about it more than once then God gave Glenn some insight. We want to serve God vocationally, Lord willing, after Glenn's medical training is done overseas somewhere. The money that he left us is essentially supporting future missionaries in their training. I thought that was neat. I don't know that that was how dad saw it in setting up his will but I am thankful for that insight. It makes me want to be even more faithful with the money that has been entrusted to us and to give a lot more once we start getting paychecks in residency because we won't have to pay as much in loan payments.

Thank you God for how you provide even through painful circumstances. Thank you for using my parents to be a blessing to us even in their deaths.